I'll get by,

when you're gone

I'll be fine ...

As the rosy fingered dawn appears,

I'll walk up and down the streets,

I'll read as long as i can,

I'll do some chores here and there

tend the flowers till they bloom.

I'll sit by the road and take a deep breath

watching the parchment like sky

dotted with fluffy clouds

with the running of the sun.

I'll sit on the rocks till they turn cold,

when the silvery moon appears

i'll listen to the night owls

hunting for food.

I'll watch the peacocks retire for the night

as their glorious feathers are put to rest,

gently hanging on their sides.

Then i'll lie down and drift away

in the bosom of sleep

and i will dream

my senses will be numbed

i won't feel a thing

without a care

gently i'll dream on

untainted by pain

one thing will remain intact

though the knight has to go away

his valour will linger on.

saturday night

A saturday night, i miss you dear,
a half finished book on my table
under the glowing lamp
i stare into space
wishing it was you instead!

It's the last night of january and it's still cold
wish you were here rather than the duvet
I shiver in this cold room
with an icy cold heart within.

....

i travel the road...
i wish i had never taken!

Walking with head upright,
a bending heart
under the lovely January sun
in the utter stillness
when all is at rest

I feel the gnawing of something, within
The clinking of metal chains
Inside my ribs.

Had i not saw you
on the hot Sunday evening,
Had i sat under the peepal tree
all alone
had i read by the sea
had i not met you
At all...

I would not be sitting by the bougainvilleas
with the used paper cups strewn all over

Rather smelling lavender
without a care,
for i would not have known you at all.

Because it's Christmas

Dinner is ready, the beans (the ones that Mum has sent) have come out of the pressure cooker, rice is ready and my experiment with salad has gone awry but anyhow it will get eaten and some leftovers from yesterday has gone into the microwave. Apart from the 'O Holy Night' and the occasional aeroplanes flying across the sky, there's hardly any noise nor movement around me. It's that time of the year when all my cooking instincts come out, though i do not know from where they pop out, as for the remaining seasons of the year i very often choose to live on others' cooking and of course the good old Wai Wai.
Well, the Christmas stars are hanging on the wall, the baubles are everywhere and all the reds and greens that i could find in the house are lying here and there. To do away with the conventional Christmas tree and wreaths, i hang green tea coasters on the wall ( please feel free to picture my deco in your mind!), candles are on the window sill, stockings and santas on the switch board. Yes, this is my kind of Christmas!
Till last week, i didn't possess a single Christmas number which is a shame really! But thanks to a kind friend, i now listen from morning till i decide to retire at night under my lovely pink satin duvet that my Dad gave me the last time i went home for Christmas, ages ago!And O music...i particularly enjoy Celine Dion's Les Cloches Du Hameau, though i hardly understand anything...sounds a bit weird innit?

The best bit about this Christmas is the fact that it's a celebration of LOVE, one that reminds me of how much i am loved specially when i tend to feel so blue and uncared for ; so unloved. It's this Love that is breaking the walls i have built so high up, so thick and so strong, it's this Love that is binding up my heart which has broken and replacing my shattered dreams and wounded soul with a perfectly new one.
It's a great JOY that i could be where i am now, surrounded by friends and cousins, enjoying this lovely season. And yet, i really wish Joshua and Krosa were here with me with their irrepressible zeal for life and in moments like this i long for those endless chats and giggles with Mum and Dad over a strong cup of tea with 'meilum' to create the ambiance.

And how could i not remember all the mince pies, Christmas puddings, Lizzie's mulled wine and crackers that will go unclaimed this year, for The Limes is thousands of miles away.
Nevertheless, i am doing alright, fit and fine, so this is Christmas, i am in Delhi yet again, it's been great
and i reckon it'll continue to be a good one.

Merry Christmas!!

You Put This Love in My Heart - Keith Green

I found it hard to believe someone like you cared for me,
You put this love in my heart.

I tried but could not refuse, you gave me no time to lose,
You put this love in my heart.

I want to know where the bad feelings go,
When I'm depressed and I get down so low,
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright.

I want to tell you right now, I'm not afraid to say how,
You put this love in my heart.

There are sometimes when I doubt, but you always find me out
You put this love in my heart.

Cause when I see all that you've done for me,
It's hard to doubt, I just have to believe,
Cause you followed and proved it all of your life.
Well I know the loneliness I had before,
Is gone now, I'll never feel it anymore,
Cause your love has released me from all that's in my past,
And I know I can believe you,
When you say I'll never be forsaken, Your love is gonna last.
There's so much more I should say, if I could just find a way,
You put this love in my heart,
Is this real or a dream, I feel so good I could scream,
You put this love in my heart.

I want to know where the bad feelings go,
When I'm depressed and I get down so low,
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright,
You put this love in my heart,
You put this love in my heart,
You put this love in my heart.

They have made a lovely Crystal Box,
wherein the pure and the good should fit in.
Glistening under the rising sun,
a glorious sight for all the world to see.

It truly is a showpiece this lovely Crystal Box,
I dare not touch though a serpent tempts me too,
lest i repeat the Eve episode
and be thrown out of this Garden, once and for all.

But,
I'm too young, I am too old.
Skirt is feminine, trousers are not for ladies,
I talk too much, I think too much.
I do not know how to smile
at the right time, at the right people.
Too opinionated, too argumentative,
too independent, too capable!
Too many interests, too little time,
and with all the endless strings attached to my back.

I wonder when They will make a Lovely Crystal Box,
That will shine in the dark as well as in the morning sun.
When i went to the Maker with my ideas...

I am told that
I have to make my own.

( *For those who walked up and down Upper Dingy, filled with Irrepressible Hope)

?

For the hundredth time,
I am considering a Goodbye;
I've given you an intro,
the beginning to an ending chapter.
I've given myself a fright,
i wonder what you'd think of it.
Am i convincing enough?
Do you really believe?
Will you consider my appeal?


The main course will come,
A surprise it's suppose to be!
What shall i do?
What will you say when it's laid open to you?
Will you ask me to stay behind?
Will you let me fly away?
Does it matter to you at all,
if i go or stay?


Do you want it wrapped or fully opened,
or just in part?
How would you like it best my Dear?
...thrown at your feet or over the phone,
even maybe over a cup of coffee...
well, the aroma may be so soothing.

Many summers, winters,

autumns...
Does it make any difference at all?
Am i still thousands of miles away
or just an inch behind your legs?
Does it really matter?
...whether you love or care
Your heart has always been lying
somewhere between me and you.

(*For my dear AM, who is neither here nor there!)

The red shirt Baba

There is an expression I cannot quite read
on the face of a young boy begging for food.
Day after day after day
looking at the same old dirty railway track,
in the hope that the well-feds will share some.
Baba had watched it many years back
and now he is doing the same thing.

Train after train after train
day in and day out, it’s never ending.
Crying babies in their mother’s arms,
heartbroken lovers’ last chance to reconciliate
before the train comes and tear them apart,
forever apart in the land of the living!

Suitcase upon suitcase
on the head of the coolie running towards the platform.
His red shirt makes him stand out in the crowd
and everyone knows that he is a coolie,
Who earns his living by carrying people’s luggages around.
Rupee by rupee he saves
for one day he'll send off his good daughter
clad in all that glitters
in a marriage that the gods have arranged.
O what a joy ! She’ll be a wife and he, very soon a Baba
The red shirt Baba he will be.

and i choose...

One by one

i'm sorting ,

Things that have made my room their home

for the past twelve months.

They've got to go, find a new dwelling

i can't keep them any longer

it's hard to say goodbye

and yet there's no more space and

time isn't on our side...

one has to move on

i choose to say- 'they aren't important anymore'

Well maybe they'll end up in some corner,

in recycling bins,

in charity shops i once frequented,

maybe they'll find a lovely place

to call a home

to be loved and looked after

or even maybe
like me,

they'll continue to wander

in this vast space

i call the world.



People,

what should i do?

individuals that speak,

breathe,

eat,

sleep,

cry,

love...

i choose to think- ' I'll see you again soon,'

yes very soon i will,

but time is not on our side

how long is soon?

Tomorrow i reckon,

maybe hundred years

anything in between now and never...



Noeemo dear, where are you?

I miss you!

Are the sharks giving you a fright?

Where is Shrek tonight?

Are you cuddling the possums?

I'm off llama trekking as the sun goes down tomorrow

but where are you my Cheshire horse, ooo Ro'n

can't you gallop across the Severn?

Are the Leprechauns stopping you on the way?



...and i have to choose
to say

Goodbye!

I am left without a choice.

For the love of U0-Turn(ers)

I had a lovely evening with the u-turners on a perfect English summer evening with a barbecue in the garden and laughing away to glory trying to pronounce and spell our favourite 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' (it's a fear of long words!) Little did it occur to me that i will not see them again as a group..well, i knew it but the reality didn't really sink in to my head, you know what i mean, i was kinda dazed.But reality struck me hard when Jon dropped me off and as i got out of his car (our favourite blue noddy car!) with eyes full of tears he said 'wait Mimi...well done!'(the best one can get from one's boss ;) then the whole thing hit me hard...I will miss everything to do with u-turn and wonersh! yea i will really miss jon and his blue car and his hopeless singing, he's been so good and kind to me and how we strived to enjoy what was there and when things were really bad and encourage one another and stay positive even if no one turns up for meetings! i'm sure we'll get the best team work award :)But things will never be the same ...we all have to move on, don't we?...i will be going back to India in few weeks, Jon will be married on a week on Saturday and move on to Haslemere, Craig will move on to Kent, Rachel and Sophie will be travelling around the world, Jeff will be in Swansea and the rest will remain in Wonersh with Richard and Anne...ooo then what will i do on Sunday nights now...I look back on our Sunday nights, how we journeyed together in faith, how we learn together how to love Jesus more and more and grow in his likeness...from sex and relationships, moving on to the beatitudes, Micah challenge and closing with the book of colossians! it's been brilliant though it had not been easy many times.I have been really blessed to be part of this group, it has brought me closer to God in love and knowledge. I don't know how much i've contributed but I have definitely got so much from it and yes I've met one of my best friends... !and yes every Sunday night at eight, with fond memories, i will always remember Kinsella The Drive,Wonersh Park!

:(

I am feeling rather sad as Noah leaves for Brisbane tomorrow,
I wonder how long will it be till i see him again and Pascha Rose, yes Lizzie and Scott as well.
I hate it for I can't get used to saying Goodbye!

****

It's looming large over my heart,

bigger than the Himalayas

Like annoying little mosquitoes,

it will not leave me alone

I tried to shake it off like dust on my feet

but it does cling closer to me

For You've put this Love in my heart

there's no other way

but to give freely

what i have received for free

though i may be a tenee wenee bit, but

with faith i can make a difference

So, I am but to love and care

for those far removed from love and care!

If...

If the world was a village of 100 people, there would be 60 Asians, 12 Europeans, 15 from the Western Hemisphere (North and South America and Oceania), and 13 Africans.

50 would be female and 50 would be male.

There would be 27 white people and 73 non-whites.

33 would be Christian and 67 would be non- Christian.

6 people would possess 59% of the world's entire wealth. All 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing.

70 poeple would be unable to read.

50 would suffer from malnutrition.

1 would be near death and 1 would be near birth.

1 person would have a university education.

1 would own a computer.

If this were our village, surely we would try to change this.

But this is our village since it is our world.

Summer '08

I am just not inspired to do anything, neither to read nor write and i simply cannot get my spellings write! Life is moving at a slow and super sonic speed at the same time (possibly with the fear of having to say *serious* goodbye yet again!) which leads to confusion for which i have been the princess for a long long time.


It has been really nice and sunny for two weeks which does good to my mood and my skin ! (yey tanning for free, not that i am a milky white...yuck!)
It's been just so refreshing to get up in the morning with the birds singing in the garden below my window, the bluebells and the azaleas are in full bloom and the whole world is out, marching up and down the High street in their micro-mini skirts and colourful flip flops. What a feast to the senses!


The keener ones are out along the river all geared up for long walks and the little people are zooming along in their scooters hoping for a sweetie or two when mummy and daddy decide to sit down for a picnic at the end of the rather narrow footpath.


As i walk along watching others around me, i begin to wonder why some parts of the world are so beautiful... is this another 'unfairness' on the part of Life or God himself ?
But,
He asks me if I have been a good steward for the things that He gave me...then i am left speechless!

READY FOR ACTION

GUILDFORD 2008

We are blessed, to bless the world in pieces,

We are loved, to love where love is not,

We are changed, to be the change you promise,

We are freed to be your hands o god

I'm on my way, i won't be long,
just few more days, then I'll be there.
Swimming across the Severn, there we shall meet,
Hearts leaping out, Words overflowing
We shall rejoice!
My joy, my delight,
The wait is coming to an end
warnings we were given
Before the day arrives
Pain, we endure all
Troubles though many,
We overcome...
My love, my beacon
here i come...

Resurrection

"What kind of resurrection is going to happen this year ?", I wonder.
Maybe i should go to Emmaus in the twilight just in case Jesus decided to appear as i walk down the road leading to Jerusalem. How wonderful it would be! As my mind goes really wild in the roller coaster dreaming spree, i go to the extent of choosing the background music that will come on as Jesus approaches me from the back, incognito of course. That will be lovely as i chat with Him as we walk along the half deserted road, feeling rather sad because of the things happening in the world today. About the violence and injustices i would mention, about shattered dreams i shall report and beg Him to spur my youngies group to step forward and get excited about Slum survivor and raise funds for the slums in Zimbabwe and South Africa...apart from all my personal thingies.
Oh, what am i writing, actually if Jesus were to come incognito, of course i would not know who He is and i would not be able to say all these things.
Actually, i don't have to pretend, i don't have to go to Emmaus as I'm already there. I, very often fail to recognise Him as i tread along the road of life as i head for the heavenly Jerusalem. I get lost in my thingies that i do not have time to look at Him, i get too busy trying to change my world, the world at large and that i forget the creator, the owner of this world and the things that are in it. Due to all the cares and busyness, i shut Him out, i 'shoo' him off, i just babble at Him without giving Him time to respond. I look into all the details, of every nook and corner that i forget the main thing, the subject, the centre of the whole of my existence, my life!
Yes this year, nothing is coming out from the tomb, it's empty. The guy had left that place ages ago! Why should i try to bury Him and resurrect Him each year during the Holy week. He's done it long ago and it was and is once and for all...BRILLIANT!
So, this year Helen's burnt cake is the only one that needs resurrection, for Jesus is alive, he does not need my resurrection but recognition.
And i realise that i have to get up at 5 in the morning to climb Chinthurst Hill for Easter sunrise service! I better get some sleep as it's the biggest project that i'm undertaking since September....getting up at 5 in the morning amidst the hopeful lovely snow...ooh it's so wet, better sleep now!

A lovely green ogre among the sea of monsters,

A happy ogre, thoughtful and gentle is my monster

Green with my love not with envy

Feeding each other with the word,

till we become nice and round

Swimming across the swarm of thoughts

Frolicking in the summer sun

Jiving together, word upon word

Till the day is no more for us

come the stars and the great big moon

as we wait for the rosy-fingered dawn

let me tell you, my lovely monster

you are my joy, my delight,

my love, my Ogre...

I absolutely hate times like this

when i want to sleep and yet it just does not come.

When nothing seems to function well in you

but too alert to enter the world of dreams and rest.

I wish i could just pop out for a cup of chai,

maybe something else from bittoo's pan bhandar.

Even a glass of banta would do amidst the presence of jack frost!

A plate of maggie from mahi-mandavi would be lovely

when my stomach grumbles away to glory.

Yes in moment like this,

when the world sleeps and i alone am awake,

when i do not know anything else to do

i wish i were in Ganga Dhaba!

It's quite a beautiful day when i got up this morning. For a change the sun was visible and i got up with a heavy head and heart. After stuffing myself foolishly with the enormous turkey and a christmas pudding the other day, breakfast is out of question. Having more caffeine than i needed, i went straight to the bathroom for a shower and came back with a heavier head...but who cares really! it's just one of those 'headaches'.

I slept like a log last night, i didn't even hear Noah making funny noise in his cot, nor the entire house that stayed awake till midnight. I was just so glad to escape to my room with 'The Zig Zag Way' in my hand. I actually read half way through before i went off to sleep. It truly is a moment of joy and pride specially after i had to abandon my 'Lord of the Rings' reading project. I started with an incredible zeal to finish it within a month but i ended up finishing just 'The Hobbit.'
What did i say before the book thingie comes in...
Sleep o yes sleep...the field where i excel! ooo...how we slept in the residence hall behind the RED WALLS during respected ma'am MG's regime. I remember missing many important lectures due to oversleeping and also of Hip Hop Cat and The Branded Lady missing their mocks exams...
such a monstr-ous life we led.
No wonder i do not remember what dear 0ld Derrida with his one foot in the grave had to say about deconstruction...anyway in the absence of a deep knowledge on deconstruction theory, i somehow still function under one system or the other which apparently is a form of construction...after all ignorance is not fatal i guess.
ooo...again! drifting somewhere...that's what i am, a drifter.
Anyhow, i remember clearly the days when i used to drag myself out of the bed to attend the 9:00 am lectures in the freezing in/famous english corridors. With a toast in my hand and two layers of socks with a partly functional brain, i remember how i sat through the poems of Yeats and Pope. With a deep desire to love litt theory classes (but in vain), i ended my 3 amazing years of being inside the RED WALLS.

The pictures are there, memories of happy days and heartbreaks, they all are so vivid. Trying to make ends meet with the pocket money that we received everymonth from our parents, the fear of getting the lowest mark in class assignments and the never ending struggle to get atleast 86% attendance which comes with an icing of 5 marks in the exams... hooray! The greater fear of getting a degree from Uni but without any decent job!
Whatever...those days were truly amazing! Days when i could say, 'i know my way round and know what i don't want'.
BUT NOW...
as i am almost half way through in my gap year, i realise how little i know about my wants, i mean... everything really! How broken and fragmented life truly is? Oh how unfair God could be!blah blah blah... without an ending. It hits me hard day and night as i work with children and teenagers who have money and stuffs more than what i could ever want in my whole life...its difficult to come to terms with, i mean the unfairness of life. Sometimes it makes me want to start off with Edward Said all over again but not now...definitely something has gone horribly wrong on the way!

But who will want to know that?