Resurrection

"What kind of resurrection is going to happen this year ?", I wonder.
Maybe i should go to Emmaus in the twilight just in case Jesus decided to appear as i walk down the road leading to Jerusalem. How wonderful it would be! As my mind goes really wild in the roller coaster dreaming spree, i go to the extent of choosing the background music that will come on as Jesus approaches me from the back, incognito of course. That will be lovely as i chat with Him as we walk along the half deserted road, feeling rather sad because of the things happening in the world today. About the violence and injustices i would mention, about shattered dreams i shall report and beg Him to spur my youngies group to step forward and get excited about Slum survivor and raise funds for the slums in Zimbabwe and South Africa...apart from all my personal thingies.
Oh, what am i writing, actually if Jesus were to come incognito, of course i would not know who He is and i would not be able to say all these things.
Actually, i don't have to pretend, i don't have to go to Emmaus as I'm already there. I, very often fail to recognise Him as i tread along the road of life as i head for the heavenly Jerusalem. I get lost in my thingies that i do not have time to look at Him, i get too busy trying to change my world, the world at large and that i forget the creator, the owner of this world and the things that are in it. Due to all the cares and busyness, i shut Him out, i 'shoo' him off, i just babble at Him without giving Him time to respond. I look into all the details, of every nook and corner that i forget the main thing, the subject, the centre of the whole of my existence, my life!
Yes this year, nothing is coming out from the tomb, it's empty. The guy had left that place ages ago! Why should i try to bury Him and resurrect Him each year during the Holy week. He's done it long ago and it was and is once and for all...BRILLIANT!
So, this year Helen's burnt cake is the only one that needs resurrection, for Jesus is alive, he does not need my resurrection but recognition.
And i realise that i have to get up at 5 in the morning to climb Chinthurst Hill for Easter sunrise service! I better get some sleep as it's the biggest project that i'm undertaking since September....getting up at 5 in the morning amidst the hopeful lovely snow...ooh it's so wet, better sleep now!

A lovely green ogre among the sea of monsters,

A happy ogre, thoughtful and gentle is my monster

Green with my love not with envy

Feeding each other with the word,

till we become nice and round

Swimming across the swarm of thoughts

Frolicking in the summer sun

Jiving together, word upon word

Till the day is no more for us

come the stars and the great big moon

as we wait for the rosy-fingered dawn

let me tell you, my lovely monster

you are my joy, my delight,

my love, my Ogre...

I absolutely hate times like this

when i want to sleep and yet it just does not come.

When nothing seems to function well in you

but too alert to enter the world of dreams and rest.

I wish i could just pop out for a cup of chai,

maybe something else from bittoo's pan bhandar.

Even a glass of banta would do amidst the presence of jack frost!

A plate of maggie from mahi-mandavi would be lovely

when my stomach grumbles away to glory.

Yes in moment like this,

when the world sleeps and i alone am awake,

when i do not know anything else to do

i wish i were in Ganga Dhaba!

It's quite a beautiful day when i got up this morning. For a change the sun was visible and i got up with a heavy head and heart. After stuffing myself foolishly with the enormous turkey and a christmas pudding the other day, breakfast is out of question. Having more caffeine than i needed, i went straight to the bathroom for a shower and came back with a heavier head...but who cares really! it's just one of those 'headaches'.

I slept like a log last night, i didn't even hear Noah making funny noise in his cot, nor the entire house that stayed awake till midnight. I was just so glad to escape to my room with 'The Zig Zag Way' in my hand. I actually read half way through before i went off to sleep. It truly is a moment of joy and pride specially after i had to abandon my 'Lord of the Rings' reading project. I started with an incredible zeal to finish it within a month but i ended up finishing just 'The Hobbit.'
What did i say before the book thingie comes in...
Sleep o yes sleep...the field where i excel! ooo...how we slept in the residence hall behind the RED WALLS during respected ma'am MG's regime. I remember missing many important lectures due to oversleeping and also of Hip Hop Cat and The Branded Lady missing their mocks exams...
such a monstr-ous life we led.
No wonder i do not remember what dear 0ld Derrida with his one foot in the grave had to say about deconstruction...anyway in the absence of a deep knowledge on deconstruction theory, i somehow still function under one system or the other which apparently is a form of construction...after all ignorance is not fatal i guess.
ooo...again! drifting somewhere...that's what i am, a drifter.
Anyhow, i remember clearly the days when i used to drag myself out of the bed to attend the 9:00 am lectures in the freezing in/famous english corridors. With a toast in my hand and two layers of socks with a partly functional brain, i remember how i sat through the poems of Yeats and Pope. With a deep desire to love litt theory classes (but in vain), i ended my 3 amazing years of being inside the RED WALLS.

The pictures are there, memories of happy days and heartbreaks, they all are so vivid. Trying to make ends meet with the pocket money that we received everymonth from our parents, the fear of getting the lowest mark in class assignments and the never ending struggle to get atleast 86% attendance which comes with an icing of 5 marks in the exams... hooray! The greater fear of getting a degree from Uni but without any decent job!
Whatever...those days were truly amazing! Days when i could say, 'i know my way round and know what i don't want'.
BUT NOW...
as i am almost half way through in my gap year, i realise how little i know about my wants, i mean... everything really! How broken and fragmented life truly is? Oh how unfair God could be!blah blah blah... without an ending. It hits me hard day and night as i work with children and teenagers who have money and stuffs more than what i could ever want in my whole life...its difficult to come to terms with, i mean the unfairness of life. Sometimes it makes me want to start off with Edward Said all over again but not now...definitely something has gone horribly wrong on the way!

But who will want to know that?

oh my goodness!
It's christmas,but it feels weird...i mean, i haven't felt 'christmassy' at all! I am not in my creative mood either not even to write a line or two. The 'tension and stress' of 'the holiday season' drive all spirits away. I won't be surprised if Bethlehem itself decides to hide somewhere...after all it deserves a break...

NOT A CLOSURE14 May, 2007 12:15 PM

( for all the stupidos who had spent relatively long hours in 98 residence hall )

And i sit down, contemplating
recalling the story of us which is 3 summers old
full of love and laughter
with a tint of sadness here and there
buckets of tears that were shed
full throated laughter still rings in my ears
a heartbreak or two and some misunderstandings

and a couple of patching up which make us strong enough to bend

for we loved and hated

for we fought and never lost!

here i am thinking

that our story has come to an end

like many others before us

a pang of fear invades my heart

at the thought of being away from you

but will we really be parted?

for we are connected in some mysterious ways!

maybe we are just peculiar in the head

as i get in my bed

hoping to dream about the good old days

then i realise there is no such thing...

for this is not the end

it will go on...

for there is no closure

to the story of us